Who says the FBI can’t have fun? Bureau analyst Grace Ashcroft might, but that hasn’t stopped her boss from throwing her a pizza party to celebrate her successful investigation of the infamous Wrenwood Hotel, where she witnessed her mother’s grisly murder.
Despite Ashcroft having no field agent experience and being riddled with enough anxiety to make Scooby-Doo look like Captain America, her superior at the FBI (who refused to provide his name, citing “security concerns”) insisted she should investigate the mysterious corpses at Wrenwood. “An important element of being an analyst is knowing how to analyze yourself,” the director explains in an effort to justify not assigning literally anyone else. “I’m a big believer in exposure therapy, and [Alyssa Ashcroft] died there, like, forever ago. It was time for Grace to move on, I decided.”
By “died,” he means the famed journalist was partially beheaded mere inches from the teenage Grace’s face at the Wrenwood. Several bodies had been recently discovered at the condemned hotel, and Grace was ordered to investigate the crime scene with no backup (“everyone called out sick that day,” explains the director), armed only with a pistol she had to purchase herself. Grace was – perhaps unsurprisingly – abducted during her time there.
“I’m really proud of Grace for doing the thing I made her do,” says the director. “We reward exceptional field work here at the FBI, and I need to use this Buy 2, Get 1 Little Caesars’ coupon before it expires next week. Everyone wins.”
“I won’t force you to go, but you really should and I expect you to. Good chat.” – Grace’s FBI Boss, basically
As the director supervises an employee trying to hang a “You Gr-Aced It!” banner over a window, we ask if this party is somewhat insensitive and poor compensation for the physical and emotional trauma Grace reportedly suffered; the director waved his hand dismissively. “Listen, Grace once told me pizza was her mother’s favorite meal, so I thought this would be a nice tribute to her memory,” he says. “It’s really our way of showing – oh shoot, hang on a second.” The director then poked his head out of the door to yell to Grace in the office bullpen, asking whether Alyssa was a pepperoni or mushroom kind of girl. When a mystified Grace simply stared at him, he playfully responded, “That’s no way to get ahead in life.”
“These Gen Z’rs can’t take a joke anymore,” he chuckles.
One would assume Grace’s above-and-beyond efforts would be rewarded with a promotion, but the director shakes his head at this suggestion and cites displeasure with her lengthy report on the Umbrella Corporation. According to him, the 60-page report had a minor typo and some light page creasing. “You’d have to be as blind as that weird little freak Grace found to not notice these errors,” says the director. “Maybe next year.”
